Anti-Depressants: My Lifelong Struggle With Depression

Last night after a particularly emotionally charged argument with my Almost Husband, I realized how I was acting was completely irrational.  It was the first time in ten years I looked around and saw that I desperately needed to get back on medication for depression.

 When I was younger my parents had me go to counseling and I was on medication most of my teenage years.   Not by choice but because my parents decided I needed it.  I stopped taking them at 17.

After my son was born, I had postpartum depression.  Recently, however I see the depression coming back, which makes me wonder if it was really postpartum or something more serious.   It has been ten years since I have been off of them and things were going well up until six months ago.

So this morning I made the decision to pursue medication for my rapidly increasing depression.  I don't know why it goes in cycles, I hate being dependent upon medication to regulate my moods.  However, I feel it is better to be in control than out of control.

Assignment: That Thing I Can't Live Without.

Being good student is what it is all about (Well, that and having fun.)! So I present my homework assignment a little early.  What can't I live without?  Well, I thought about it, and thought about it some more.  I thought, was there something that I used and  I absolutely, positively couldn't live without?  What exactly was it?

There are a lot of things I could probably get by not using.   I could get by without that special necklace, I could get by without my purse, my eyeliner; I could probably get by without a lot of things, but the two things I could not see myself getting by without were black bobbie pins and black ouchless pony tail holders. That's right folks, the most basic of the basic.

I just noticed one of my ponytail holders has my son's hair in it.

I use one, if not both on a daily basis.  I love vintage hair styles, and wear them frequently.  Victory rolls, suicide roll, Rosie the Riveter.  I adore those looks and seeing as I need to put my hair up for work, I need these two things to keep my hairdo firmly and neatly in place.

My hot rollers came in close third to these things.  I know they are two and not just one, but I just can't have one without the other!  Well, I could.. but my hair would look a mess!

Rosie The Riveter look with my sugar skull bandana!  Can you spot the bobbie pins?

Bat Fit Update #2:

This is my Bat Fit update on how I am doing personally with Bat Fit.  Well I have lost a total of 15 pounds so far, but not the way I had wanted.  12 pounds have just been from changing my eating habits, which is great and a nod to Bat Fit.  The other three were just from me not eating and being horribly sick the last four days.  It, of course, is not how I wanted to lose weight.

I felt much, much better today and worked out for 30 minutes.  I put on some Beats Antique and did my beginner's Belly dancing dvd.  It combined dancing and yoga moves to make me more graceful.  Yoga is really hard when you're a big girl and I am not ashamed to admit that I needed to sit a few of the poses out.  I am still building stamina and I know that in the future I will be able to do them without a problem.

So the total now is: 280 - 15 = 265 lbs.

I am thrilled but I know this weight is just my body waking up and losing what it doesn't need; or what it shouldn't lose (because of being sick.).  Right now, I'll take what I can get, it is going to be a long, hard and sometimes disappointing road; So, better to stay positive!

I have been back at work for two days and with all the paint freight I've been stocking and throwing around.  (Gallons and five gallons...gallons run about 10 pounds, 5 gallons are 55.), I've been getting quite the work out, though with breaks and customers in between it isn't a very steady, focused burn of calories.

I've also been modifying my intake of starch, but, there is one thing I just can't live without and that is rice.  I can eat wild rice and white, but I just hate brown.  People tell me that is what I should be eating, but I have tried and no matter how much I want to like it, I just can't.

I have an odd quirk about foods, most of the time it isn't the taste, but the texture that I cannot abide.  I have been that way most of my life, I cannot abide a lot of different textures.  Not just in food, but in everyday items.  For instance, I hate touching cardboard. I have gloves I wear when I put up freight.  The texture of cardboard drives me nuts.  It is why I supplement most of my servings of vegetables with V8 (Not the fruit juices because they have WAY too much sugar.) because a lot of vegetables have textures that put me on edge.  I have gotten better with some vegetables, I'll eat squashes and asparagus, carrots, onions (but only if finely diced.), I'll eat tomatoes if they are canned (they aren't as slimy.).  It isn't that I am picky, trust me, I wish that was the case.

Sick! And A Rant About Religious Hypocrisy (And Not Trashing Others Because You Don't Agree With Them.)

   The last few days I have been as sick as a dog.  I caught something that is going around work and I feel dreadful, but I can't actually lay down without wanting to get up and vomit, so here I am... sent home from work and on the computer, writing.

I love using this blog and while it is of course, about me changing, I feel like I've got all this other stuff I need to get off of my chest.  My Almost Husband's ex-wife who, has of course, been through a lot.  Addiction, Rehab and she is finally putting the pieces of her life back together.  Who complains at length when people judge her for her choices and for her new found (re-found.) faith in the Christian God; last night had the audacity to call her landlord a "cultist" and accuse him of being this really horrible person, all because she doesn't believe what she does.  After a man who didn't have to rent to her, did.

I was so appalled I actually wrote to her saying that it isn't right to call them cultists just because they believe in something completely different.  While I may hold no religious beliefs I love a lot of people that do.

My mother is a pagan, my father was a Southern baptist and my very best friend is a devout Mormon.  I feel that throwing mud due to someone's preference of religion is tacky and ill-mannered.  Not to mention, I am afraid she'll teach her own children it is perfectly okay to do the same.  While they lived with me, it was a strict rule that we never judged people based on race, religion or sexual preference.  While I was not Christian and the boys were, I always reminded them that God loved everyone, because Jesus died for everyone and we should always do our best to be understanding of others, even if they aren't of us.

I was just really taken aback that the woman who constantly shouts "Don't judge me by my past."  Would turn around and slander another person simply on the basis that they practice a different religion.

Embarrassing Confessions.

I have a few confessions to make, most of them being a bit odd but yesterday one of my co-workers asked me if I went and did anything on the 4th of July with my friends.  I told her that I didn't have any here.. and I really only have two friends.

It got me a funny look and an invitation to go "out" sometime to drink.  To which I replied (very nicely), I'm straightedge and I don't drink, so I would decline; and that if they ever wanted to do something that didn't involve drinking I would be up for it. To which I got an apologetic and long explanation that they only drink socially.  To which, I replied that it was okay and I know that not everyone holds the same views as I do.

The conversation ended awkwardly and I could tell that she now felt that I didn't like her or something.  At that point the fact that I confessed all this stuff (being straight edge, only having two friends.) kind of made me want to revert.  I am really, really shy and while I put on my customer service armor while working, socializing with people at work is really hard for me.

While I might look different on the outside, hold a different mindset, it would be really nice to try and make some friends.  I've always been really accepting of people and their views; I've never rejected someone outright because we had a difference of opinion on something.


I've lived in Omaha for over three years now, and the only best friend I have here is the Almost Husband.  While I am so happy to have him, and that we never have to worry about things like drinking, politics and religion issues, I still want to have friends.

I want to go out and try for roller derby, if only because it sounds like so much fun.  I love roller skating, but it has been years since I played on any sort of team.  Again, the shyness plays a huge factor.  I am so shy that I know sometimes people think I'm snubbing them because I won't talk or I don't know what to talk about.

I have thought about getting help, but I don't really want to take a pill to solve my problem.  I've been on anti-anxiety medication in the past, but I don't feel like myself when I'm on it.

It just seems like always, I'm the weird girl who everyone is nice to, but no one really wants to befriend, for whatever reason.  I know this sounds like I'm feeling sorry for myself, but, I don't really have another place to vent. 

It is a big reason why I turn to food, being lonely or bored because I do not have any friends to socialize with seems to be another thing I catch myself doing.  I am pretty solitary, but lately I notice that I have a desire to try and reach out.

Reaching Goals.

Well, I know I said I would lose ten pounds in two months.. but it seems that with all the lifting and running up and down ladders at work; plus calorie counting and nixing soft drinks and drinking a lot more water has put me at a weight loss of 12 pounds.

280 - 12 = 268

I have to say, I am THRILLED... even if it is probably mostly water weight.  My almost husband wants me to ride a bike.  Now, if you're a top heavy girl with a rather big belly, you'd know what I know about bike riding.  Not only is it extremely emotionally scarring (I've had people jeer, yes jeer, yell out their window and laugh at me while they are in their cars.), it is uncomfortable to balance so much weight on a tiny bicycle seat... not to mention pushing your own body weight and then the weight of a ginormous (yes, I am using a non-word.) mountain bike up and down hilly-frickin'-Omaha just makes it a horrible, horrible prospect.

But he really wants me to experience the joys of riding.  He himself rides to work and back for a total of 30 miles a day; I kid you not (and yes, his ass is DIVINE.).  So, while I'd love to jump on the "YAY Bicycles!" bandwagon, I can't.  I told him that if I lose fifty pounds I would consider trying to ride a bike again, but until I lose a considerable amount of weight, it won't happen.

So, what is my next goal?  Ten pounds in the next two months.  I wanted to post a big one like 20 pounds in two months, but I just don't see that happening.  I know that soon I am will plateau; it always happens very fast for me.  It is one of the major reasons why I fail and give up and go back to gaining whatever I've lost before.  Not this time though, I am ready to step up and face my metabolism head on.

I have decided to try working out at home before trying out the gym.  I feel like I'd be more comfortable trying at home.  The only problem with that is that I feel like maybe I need to step out of my comfort zone and really try to work harder.  So my solution?  Well, if I do not meet my weight goal in two months, I will go and sign up at the gym.

To go hand and hand with this new weightloss, I went out and splurged on some new bobbie pins, and finishing cream, and some red lipstick (Which is really too red, but I can fix that.).

Suicide roll!

Yours Truly,

Arachnida

Bat Fit Challenge # 12: My Very First.

I have been reading Le Professeur Gothique quietly for a few months now.   I can tell you that she is a pretty big inspiration for why I started this blog.  I think is safe to say while I had been dithering about it for awhile now; it was her posts that have really, really made me want to try.

So, without further ado, I am jumping into my very first Bat Fit challenge!

I have had goals for myself in the past but they really didn't take flight.  Save a few:

1.  Finding new employment:  This actually happened three months ago, which I am happy to say has turned out wonderfully.  I'm a goth girl at your hardware store in the Home Decor area (I do special order window treatments, mostly.).  Which I love, I get to help people make their homes beautiful and I get to mix paint!


2.  Losing 100 pounds by next year (2011 goal): This one fizzled out before it even got started.  I set these really high goals for myself and I feel like they only set me up for disappointment.  I know I said in my first post that I wanted to lose like 90 pounds in six months, but with all the things happening in my life, I don't really see this goal as attainable.  So, having re-thought the whole weight goal, I am giving myself the goal of 10 pounds in the next two months, which is definitely a better and more accessible goal.  I figure that if I am successful it will make me feel better about making a larger goal a few months out if I think I can achieve it.

3.  Finding an activity that is fun to do (A past and future goal):  I haven't really done this.  I mean, I know that I need to; I am the type of person that gets bored easily and I fear that just going to the gym isn't going to be something I do.  Don't get me wrong it isn't that I can't do it because I can!  It is that I am a procrastinator and if it isn't completely accessible to me, I won't do it.

Everyone at work goes to this low-cost gym and while I really want to, I don't see myself going because of it being so far from my house.  Now, I know that sounds like a terrible thing, but I know I would just be lazy about going because I would make the excuse that it is "Just too far." from where I live.  I found an affordable gym nearby but I have another problem;  which is of course, that I am really scared to go to a gym.  Being a big girl is really hard around people who are very physically fit and I have some serious body image issues.  So, I either need to suck it up and go to the gym or do something at home, but that in itself won't be a real possibility until our little house is a lot less crowded.

Future Goals.

1.  Eating healthier:  This one I have started to do, granted, I slip up but I am slowly replacing most of our processed, sugary foods, with whole, less sugary counterparts.  It will be a lot more work, prep and time I have to spend on food, but in the end, I know my family will be eating healthy.

2.  Losing ten pounds in the next two months:  I am giving myself a smaller, more attainable goal to kind of build myself up to a bigger and better goal.  I certainly hope this makes me stay on track.

3.  Trying to go back to school part-time:  This, I admit is going to be really difficult.  With a full-time job and an autistic son, I am going to have to do it at home online which my local community college provides.  I have to finish my AA so that I can move on to a BA, I still don't know what I want to do (which is kind of sad at 30, shouldn't I be resolved by now?) but I know it is important for me to get this done.


There isn't a lot of goals, I am sure I'll pick up some more along the way.   I am very excited to really start moving forward and working hard.  I hope I make it!